It seems that I have lost my touch and touch with the reason I started a good many things on the intercedes. I would like to say that I have a good excuse for loosing my way, but excuses are a time a dozen and if I got paid for them I would be rich. I downloaded something to my laptop that might help me remember to blog more often. I need to fidn my way or my way back. I think I have lost myself and now I need to travel the web to find me again. My fear is that I am too lost to be found. I also fear that the people I held dear once have grown tired of me, my trials and my excuses. If I didnt have the strength before to stand up and do what I needed or to have followed the advice that was once freely given but sadly ignored what or why would they stand by or keep giving freely what they did before.
A few weeks ago I called an old friend. One I have helped in the past and one who has helped me. She told me that if I wasnt going to fix myself than there was nothing she could or would do to help fix me. It has eaten away at me and I wondered if I allowed myself to wallow in my life for so long that everyone has deciaded to wash themselves of me. I have let myself and many friends down and I dont know if I can make ammends for it. This latest set back with my laptop just seems like the nail needed in my coffin for another friend to loose faith and hope in me. This morning for some reason it all has come to a head and I needed to get it all out. maybe I just needed to write. Writing is something else I have taken for granted. I have felt for a long time that I dont measure up. That I dont have what it takes to write. So I convinced myself to stop. That It doesnt matter anymore that I might have a story to tell that there is no one who wishes to hear it any longer since I have selfishly put other things first.
I dont know if I feel I need to make my New Years changes now of if This is a good bye letter to myself and my bad habits. However I do know that this is me trying to move forward through much mud. I am tired of holding myself back.. I am tired of allowing others to help me to hold myself back. I feel its time that I find my own empowerment and use it. The question I am left asking myself is how and where will I find th is empowerment.
Thank you for those of you who are hanging on. Thank you to those who havent lost faith in me when I myself have. Thank you just for being a friend.